How to deal with stress about Santa, gift giving, holiday burnout, and more

First things first: It’s okay to admit that you’re feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. The emotional work that goes into sending Christmas cards. The gift purchase. The gift packaging. The baking. The pressure to entertain guests and not let family drama ruin the holiday spirit.

The holidays can be A LOT. They are also full of parenting landmines that are exacerbated by social media. Are you a bad mom if you don’t sacrifice sleep to create an elaborate elf-on-the-shelf tableau for your kids to wake up to every morning? When did kids need $50 Advent calendars? And if your favorite momfluencer just gives her kids a few handmade, all-natural jewelry pieces to teach them the true meaning of Christmas, what does that say about you and your linen closet full of slime sets and Mr. Beast merchandise?

Need help navigating? Here’s what experts recommend to make the holidays merry and bright without burning out.

Eleven on the Shelf

If you haven’t already spent the last few weeks arranging Hershey’s Kisses “poop” and other bizarre “Elf on the Shelf” scenes for your kids – or threatening them that their elf will rat out Santa Claus if they don’t turn around Blippi At this very moment there is actually no reason to start now. In fact, many parents strictly refuse to participate in the “Elf on the Shelf” holiday event, where elf doll children who can’t touch report on their behavior before Christmas, while at the same time they appear as clever little children who are displayed every day. For some, the pressure to create these displays (with or without the help of expensive craft kits) is too great; For others, the thought of monitoring their children’s behavior with a doll leaves a bad taste in their mouths. And then there are parents like Kylie Kelce who have an elf but take a low-maintenance approach.

“The idea of ​​waiting until my kids are deeply asleep and then planning to get to their room and hope they don’t wake up is just a commitment I don’t want to make,” Kelce said in the latest Consequence of “Not Gonna Lie” with Kylie Kelce.

Speaking to Yahoo Life in 2021, family therapist Michelle Tangeman said that Elf on the Shelf should be about fun, not discipline, when parents decide to purchase it. “It’s really unfortunate that the Elf on the Shelf is used to manipulate and control behavior,” she said. “I think the holidays should be a time to really focus on family and enjoy the holiday spirit.” In other words, teaching kids that their elf is spying on them Maybe the rules aren’t the best idea either and to loosen the pressure around the elf string. It’s also okay if a child asks why their friends have an elf and they don’t, parents can casually explain that every family has different traditions and beliefs and then move on.

economist and Cheat sheet Author Emily Oster discussed the effectiveness of Elf on the Shelf in her ParentData newsletter last year. Their conclusions: “Elf on the Shelf probably won’t work, not in the broadest sense of improving your child’s overall behavior.” Oster also noted that the toy “could be harmful in some ways” because of its messages about surveillance and shame-based discipline.

Santa Claus

If you raise your children to believe that Santa Claus will bring their presents, are you breaking their trust? Does skipping the Santa Claus story mean skimping on the Christmas magic? And what happens when your kid’s best friend spreads the word at recess that it’s all a scam?

Psychologists who work with children tell Yahoo Life that there is no right way to “do” (or not do) Santa Claus – and that there is no reason to believe that holiday traditions that don’t include St. Nicholas , are less magical or meaningful. Ultimately, it’s about what works best for your family, whether it’s an annual visit to “Santa’s Village” and a show, leaving out cookies for the Merry Red (and eating them in secret), or leaning on faith traditions instead or just tell the kids right from the start that Mom and Dad will do all the legwork (and that they shouldn’t spoil the fun for their Santa-believing friends).

“If you put yourself in the spirit of Santa Claus and he fills your cup as a parent, that’s great, but if it feels like an obligation and takes away from joy or connection, then you don’t have to fulfill it or you can downplay it or keep it.” Keep it minimal,” says clinical child psychologist Tori Cordiano.

If you’ve gone Santa’s way and the kids are starting to find out the truth, there are ways to gently spread the news. As Yahoo Life reported in 2021, children may shrug everything off or express confusion or hurt feelings. According to professor and child psychologist Neha Navsaria, parents should respond by focusing less on trying to solve problems and more on connecting with their child and acknowledging their feelings.

“As a parent, it’s a natural reaction to give all the reasons why you agreed to the Santa story and want to resolve the issue quickly,” she shared. “However, it’s important to slow down, counteract this urge to reason and problem-solve, and put yourself in your child’s shoes.” One way to do this is to share how you yourself found out about Santa Claus.

This is also an opportunity to introduce new traditions that don’t necessarily involve Santa Claus. Involving your child in these decisions can help rebuild trust and help them have a voice in the magical holiday elements they enjoy most. For example, if you learn that Santa doesn’t visit every child, you might think about helping underprivileged children by essentially “playing Santa Claus” for them.

One final concern for Santa: What to do if you feel unwell during visits with Santa at the mall? If you’re not okay with letting your child sit on Santa’s lap, or you don’t find it funny to see a crying child being forced to pose for a photo, please feel free to unsubscribe or to set boundaries. It’s a personal decision and ultimately you know your child – and their well-being – best.

Gifts

So your child’s letter to Santa is less a simple list and more a stack of toy catalogs with 99% of the items circled. Or maybe your teen has said that his life will be ruined if he doesn’t get the skin care kit he wants. Your wallet is under pressure, and you’re also worried that your children are spoiling themselves. What to do?

One approach that some parents – including Erin and Ben Napier – swear by is “want, need, wear, read.” In other words, children receive four gifts: something they enjoy, something practical they need, a piece of clothing, and a book. It’s a strategy that those who practice it say has helped them keep gift buying under control while helping their family focus on the spirit rather than the spending of the season .

But it’s not for everyone. Speaking to Yahoo Life, Susan G. Groner, author of Parenting with reason and joy and host of the Parenting Mentor podcastcalled the “want, need, wear, read” approach “a little too specific.” For example, what if your child is not a reader? And if they really need something, like new socks or winter gloves, why wait until the holidays?

Groner prefers a more child-friendly approach to gift-giving. “Have your kids give you their Christmas gift list,” she suggested. “If there is something you think is out of the ordinary, ask them about it. Ask her what appeals to her about the article. That way, you’ll learn more about their reasoning and even more about them as your child.” Ultimately, she adds, “The holidays are magical and you have to find the balance between budget and joy.”

Another option is to give kids meaningful experiences — like a voucher for a fun family activity or a gift card to their favorite restaurant — instead of toys that they’ll inevitably throw away after a few minutes of play, says Catherine Pearlman, social worker, author and founder of Der Family Coach told Yahoo Life in 2021 Parents should also think about how their year-round habits shape the “I want, I want, I want” mentality around Christmas.

“Stop buying your kids gifts every time they go to Target or a snack at Starbucks – then they will be more grateful for what they get at Christmas time,” Pearlman said. If a child seems overly greedy or obsessed with what Santa Claus might bring, it’s probably time for a conversation that shifts the focus to traditions and values ​​- meeting with loved ones, participating in popular holiday activities, showing others Helping you have a wonderful Christmas – That’s the most important thing at the moment. Parents can also encourage their children to clean out their closets for a holiday clothing drive or sign up to buy gifts for a child in need.

Holiday stress

A lot of holiday stress comes from feeling the pressure to make everything perfect: spending too much money on gifts, going to extreme lengths to make everything feel magical, and putting up with more than is realistic. It’s easy to experience burnout.

According to Pearlman, the best way to avoid this is to eliminate things from yourself—especially the events, tasks, and expectations that don’t truly serve you or your family.

“Set the tone for everyone in your family,” Pearlman advised. “When you see your neighbor being very relaxed and just concentrating on a few things and you’re walking around like a chicken with no mind in your head asking, ‘Why am I doing this?’ You wish you had planned to ease the stress for everyone by prioritizing, delegating, and thinking a little more about what’s important around the holidays.

A version of this story was originally published in December 2023.