Should parents tell the truth about Santa Claus? Experts weigh in

First: spoiler alert for Santa Claus! And, dear parents, you know what we mean.

When Melissa Marion’s 8-year-old son Johnny came home from school and said a classmate had said Santa wasn’t real, she knew exactly how she wanted to handle it.

“I thought, ‘You know, people believe what they want to believe,'” Marion said, choosing her words carefully. “And he hasn’t brought it up since.”

She wants Johnny to find out the truth behind Santa Claus himself, just like she did as a child. And she plans to do the same with his four-year-old sister when she gets older. It’s fun to pretend the Christmas magic is still alive, she said, and she wants to keep it going as long as possible.

After parents make the holidays magical for their young children, it can be difficult to navigate the age of reality. This is what experts say about Santa Claus talk.

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What should you say when a child asks if Santa Claus exists?

This depends largely on what stage of development a child is at.

Three- and four-year-olds probably won’t question the magic much because they’re more interested in the final product – Santa’s presents under the tree – than how Santa actually got them there.

But by age 5 or 6, “children start thinking about cause and effect,” said Erin O’Connor, a professor of child development at New York University. Then they might start questioning the physics of Santa Claus, wondering how exactly a sleigh can travel from the North Pole to their house, or how a bearded man can deliver presents to millions of children in a single night.

But these questions don’t mean they want to know the truth. Children this age are still gathering evidence of how the world works and may ask questions to confirm that Santa Claus exists. O’Connor suggests that parents deny the Inquisition to their children by asking, “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?”

What is the average age at which children learn the truth about Santa Claus?

Surveys since the 1970s have consistently shown that children generally find out the truth about Santa Claus by age 7 or 8. But there are differences. Some four-year-olds are already telling their parents they don’t believe, while others may hold on for several years.

“That’s one of the reasons why it can be so difficult for parents to figure out whether it’s time?” said Candice Mills, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Dallas.

Natalie Fairman’s eldest daughter discovered that Santa Claus wasn’t real at age 10 when she noticed that Santa’s gifts were the same ones she had seen in her mother’s Amazon orders.

At what age can you tell a child about Santa Claus?

O’Connor said parents should explain the reality of Santa Claus to them at age 8 or 9, because that’s when they often face pushback from their peers. “It’s really hard to be one of the few third graders who still believes, and it’s easier to have a parent or caregiver talk about it than a classmate making fun of it.”

When children directly ask, “Is Santa Claus real, or are you actually the one bringing the present?” “It’s probably time to stop,” Mills said. “When they ask questions like that, they usually really want to know the truth at that point.”

But some parents continue to trust Santa Claus even after their peers tell them the truth, leaving their children to Google for answers. When parents go too far, “it can feel more like a violation,” she said.

Krista Vargas said she will take over her son’s leadership. If he seems a little skeptical or begins to question the disparity between the gifts different children receive, then, she says, she will take the time to have a deeper conversation. As a 16-month-old toddler, he is enjoying the tradition for now.

Ricky Vargas, Krista Vargas and their son Sandro pose with Santa Brown at Baldwin Hills Crenshaw Mall on Wednesday.

(Marcus Ubungen/Los Angeles Times)

Last year, Mills published studies of adults and children ages 6 to 15 about their beliefs in Santa Claus in an article titled “Debunking the Santa Myth: The Process and Aftermath of Becoming Skeptical About Santa.” Although about half of children and adults reported experiencing negative emotions such as sadness or anger when they learned the truth, these feelings were usually short-lived. About half of the children said they actually felt good when they discovered the truth – especially those who found out on their own.

However, some of the adults interviewed were still upset that their parents had lied to them. Children who learned the truth later – especially if it happened at age 11 – were more likely to feel only negative emotions about it, according to Mills’ study.

How do you explain Santa Claus to children?

There is no one right way to do the big reveal. Mills suggests adding to the joy by telling a child that Santa isn’t just one person — it’s a collaborative effort of people spreading good deeds, and that the child is now old enough to be part of the magic themselves to become. For example, you could volunteer with your child to give gifts to children in need or help create the magic for a younger child.

In Fairman’s case, this was done by including her older daughters in Santa’s acts for her younger siblings, who are 4 and 6 years old.

Is it a lie to tell your children that Santa Claus is real?

Imagination, says O’Connor, is an important tool for children to find their way in their world. So as long as the holiday myth is not used in a way that defies the safety and security of the imagination, belief in magic shouldn’t be a problem, O’Connor said.

But don’t assume that young children are gullible.

If all the adults in a child’s life constantly tell him that Santa Claus exists, and then on Christmas morning they discover “tangible evidence that Santa Claus exists, why should they doubt it?” said Paul Harris, a Harvard education professor who wrote the child development researched.

“We adults believe that this is one of the benefits of being children, that you can revel in magical creatures. But there isn’t much evidence that children are predisposed to magical thinking.”

Still, he said, “I don’t think there’s any harm.”

And Mills’ research found reason to believe that the joy and fun ultimately outweighed the negative aspects: A large majority of children and adults surveyed still celebrated Santa Claus or planned to celebrate Santa Claus with their own children.

This article is part of The Times’ early childhood education initiative, which focuses on the learning and development of California children from birth to age five. For more information about the initiative and its philanthropic funders, please visit latimes.com/earlyed.