This way you will no longer feel like a Grinch during the Christmas season and will be more present to your children

Holidays are often portrayed as picture-perfect moments: families happily gathering around a table full of seasonal favorites in an immaculate setting. For many parents, trying to meet such unrealistic expectations can undermine their self-esteem – and their sanity.

In the real world, after eight nights of Hanukkah, parents are juggling more activities than there are candles on the menorah. It’s all too easy to fall into the survival parenting mode of just getting through the day. When these holiday cookies need to be baked, there’s no time to teach a child how to crack an egg.

As mothers ourselves, we understand that these occasions can feel like anything but a vacation. We are both child psychologists and mental health experts who work with children, young people and their families to support realistic and healthy parenting approaches. We know what’s on parents’ wish lists, and fortunately, that wish list is easier to fulfill than many moms and dads realize.

The current state of parenthood

The US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy released an advisory in August 2024 calling for a rapid revival of parental welfare. Murthy – along with scientists and parents – believes that the current stress of parenthood is seriously affecting the physical and mental health of caregivers.

Dr. Vivek Murthy expresses concern over reports that nearly half of parents feel overwhelmed by stress most days.

Moms and dads today are busier and more isolated than ever before. According to a report released in April 2024 by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, nearly two out of three U.S. households headed by married couples have both parents working. In single-parent households, the number of working parents increases to just over three out of four families headed by mothers and over four out of five families headed by fathers.

Additionally, data from a 2022 Household Pulse survey found that the majority of parents – including 35% with children under 5 and 54% with children between 5 and 11 – do not have formal child care support. This is undoubtedly due, at least in part, to the rising costs and increasing scarcity of day care options.

Our experience as doctors and mothers shows that between school and extracurricular activities, children are busier than ever before. It’s no wonder parents go into survival mode and simply try to do whatever needs to be done and demand their children and others do the same.

The Science Behind “Survival Parenting”

Our research shows that focusing solely on getting through the day with your children is linked to more stress and harsher parenting behaviors.

When a mother or father is in survival mode, they are more likely to shout demands and criticize their children’s behavior than to think about the impact of that behavior. Stressed parents are quicker to criticize small things that get in the way of achieving immediate goals, such as spilling flour on the floor. And they are slower to notice and recognize their child’s strengths, such as their interest in helping in the kitchen.

The result is more stress and less joy in parenthood.

As is often the case with good research ideas, this one arose from our own experiences. During the COVID-19 pandemic, we’ve found that even the most well-meaning fathers and mothers – including us – have struggled to escape the survival trap of parenthood given the isolation, over-scheduling, and stress of life. We were frantically trying to get each day done without any support, so we urged our kids to hurry up, stop dawdling, and not make mistakes. We lived moment to moment instead of thinking about the possible long-term effects of our behavior.

Recent epidemiological studies show that we were not alone – parents with children at home were and continue to be depressed, anxious and burned out. These challenges negatively impact their relationships with their children and children’s mental health.

In fact, research from one of our teams suggests that parents who react strongly to stress and experience symptoms of depression are more likely to have their children struggle with coping with their strong emotions and with depression.

Ironically, this is the exact opposite of what parents work so hard for.

Strategies for enjoying the holidays with your children

Luckily, putting the joy back into parenting this holiday season—and any time of year—is easier than most recipes on Pinterest.

In our research and clinical practice, we have found some strategies that can help parents slow down, get more rest, and attend to their own needs. If you find yourself entering survival mode, it’s time to step away from the to-do list and try the following:

• Shift your thinking from reacting to what is happening to focusing on the larger experiences and the future you want to create for yourself and your family. For example, if your goal is to enjoy time with your child, try to include them in the holiday preparations. If you remember what you really want to accomplish with each activity, then the fact that the cookies are burned doesn’t matter as long as you burned them together.

• Reconnect with your friends and family who are also in the parenting shift to take pressure off each other, both physically and emotionally. This could mean cooking together, carpooling, or delivering coffee to a friend. Interacting with people you genuinely like for the purposes of laughter, joy, and connection contributes significantly to overall well-being. Build time into your day—not a week or a month—to connect with your social support system. Better yet, allow it to replace an unnecessary to-do list task that is draining you.

• Notice when you’ve gotten used to the dreaded “shoulds” – “I should be able to do all the cooking myself” or “I should be able to complete this task in an hour with two kids in tow.” “Shoulds.” ” can be motivating, but lead to a sense of parenting failure if you don’t meet the standards you set. Instead, replace “should” with “I’m trying” or “would like,” such as “I’m trying to finish wrapping presents today” or “I want to play with my child for 10 minutes uninterrupted.”

• Imagine what you want your vacation – and especially your relationship with your child – to look like in five, 10, or even 20 years. What do you see and hear? Who ‘s there? How do people feel about each other and how do they interact with each other? Future research from our team suggests that expanding time horizons and considering how current actions affect the future improves parenting behavior.

It’s unlikely that in five years your children will remember the cleanliness of the floor, but they will remember the emotions of the moment.

Memories of cookies accidentally baked with salt instead of sugar age better when accompanied by laughter and love rather than frantic re-baking.

The secret is to take the pressure off surviving the moment and refocus on the future you want to create.